| Feb. 7th, 2008 @ 03:38 pm (no subject) |
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Current Mood:  drained
Having a mood at the moment. Kinda depressed kinda not. I don't know how to explain it. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in a week. I was in a good mood today and then, BAM it's gone! I need to study, but I'm so distracted by a million thoughts running through my head at the moment.
I wanted so badly to walk away from Ana and never look back. I didn't think it would be super easy, but I didn't think it would play out like it has. I feel like all I ever do now is eat because I don't have that voice saying STOP IT! Well, I have it, but I don't have that voice trying to hold me accountable. I just have a voice telling me I"m a selfish pig and I'm not hungry. I haven't been working out ask much lately either. I feel like a fat ass!
I left a REALLY long post in the PA-Waiting room. I got quite a few rude and disappointing comments. I don't know what I expected to get out of that post, but not what I got. I only read the first two comments and they really upset me so I didn't read anymore. I read the rest today and for the most part they were really supportive and encouraging to me. I wish I would have read them. Then maybe I wouldn't have pigged out all week.
I still have all these issues with food and thoughts and voices running around in my head when I think about food or think about eating. I just wish I could find a happy medium. I think I'm going to try to restrict less than "normal", but not as extreme as I was. I'll see how that goes.
I need to study and then go to class and work. I don't think I'll eat supper tonight. I ate quite enough today. Ugh! I'm so confused. Sometimes I want to talk to a friend and tell her everything, but at the same time I"m like, I'm not skinny enough to tell someone I have eating issues. The only time I really want to talk about it is when I get really anxious about eating. That's usually right before or immediately after eating. I can't tell someone I have issues with eating right when I get done eating. It'd be stupid and I doubt they'd believe me.
I'm going to work out tomorrow morning and try my best to restrict less than 1000 calories the whole day/evening. I'll go out and party tomorrow, but I'll just try not to eat at happy hour. I'll just have a drink or two or something. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused and stressed. I just want someone who understands to hang out with for a day. To talk to about all this crap! |
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kariatwiu's journal
chipper
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